This week, I think my initial motivation, which prompted me to start my Dark Mystery Visual Novel Whispering Dreams, has outlived its due and made me hit a mental roadblock in my development path. Don’t get me wrong, I know myself well enough to know that I have often started projects which I never finished, mostly because I lost motivation and/or interest over time. But this time it felt different.

I think to explain this feeling, it is best to compare it to other failed works of mine, for example the countless songs I have never fully written and recorded. There comes a time after I have worked on a project long enough that I start questioning the fundamental building blocks of what I’m working on. “Why have I chosen this Guitar sound? “, “This chord progression doesn’t fit the tone of the song” or “This is all going in the wrong direction to what I want right now”. I would then usually tinker with the composition until it becomes unrecognizable to before or start something entirely new only to repeat the cycle.

What mattered to me was a sort of perfect execution – or satisfaction of knowing everything is a work in progress and therefore cannot be judged or criticized. Never finishing anything I enjoyed doing meant withdrawing from the responsibility to be seen, heard and judged. This cowardly behaviour feels rewarding, it’s a permanent comfort zone in which nothing is set in stone.

But the older I get and the more undefined I let myself be, the more I want to be clearly categorized. I want to be labeled. This is probably a toxic trait, but maybe I seek the definition of others about me to validate a reason to be or not be a certain way. A previous identity could function as a reference point from which I could find the courage to choose and decide.

If I stay in one place and continue scraping projects, I think I will never be something. I have to overcome this feeling of resistance and distraught to continue working on this game of mine. Even though I might think nobody will ever play or enjoy it, maybe I will change my mind later if I work more on it. Or it shouldn’t even matter if I enjoy it and rather that maybe another person can see something in it which I can’t.

On that note, I want to say that I want to set smaller goals for myself. I shouldn’t worry about making anything perfect or even good for that matter. What I need right now is a sketch, simply draw a line, just picking up the pencil, grabbing the paper. Creating a simple dialogue between the main character and his first encounter, Lidérc, should be my goal. Nothing else really matters right now.

This was more of a self talk to motivate myself and to give me some room to breath. But I needed to clarify that I might not have the motivation right now, but my ambition to create something bigger that I can call my own has not vanquished.

Here is the only thing I did last week for game, Whispering Dreams (Name change soon lol), a sketch of a new Sonnenhöhe design, since I’ve changed her appearance to fit more to her personality and uniqueness.

Well, let’s see what I can up with during these trying times 😛
Let’s see what tomorrow brings.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f4CtQDRdfVE

Der Beitrag The Struggles of Ambition erschien zuerst auf Lureth Grail.